so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize