I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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My ATM looks so different sober.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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