Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.