so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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