Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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