My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
