Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
