Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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