Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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