if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
