I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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