i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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