I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
