I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children