Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.