He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
