So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
