Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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