Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
