My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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