I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
