4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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