dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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