corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
