nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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