Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
