I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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