Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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