Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
