I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
