Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
