Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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