Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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