What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
His nipple licking is glorious
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