I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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