I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
