just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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