wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
