that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
