Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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