some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
