I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Drake has all the answers
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
