you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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