So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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