two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
