i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
