I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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