Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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