I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
