OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
