Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He passed out mid-signature
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
