got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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