I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
