no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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