why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
